Sesshoumaru's Most Deadly Confession
by CloodSama
Summary: Sesshoumaru has one confession... One that could shake the laws of the universe and end all humanity. Well certainly it's sanity anyway...
1. Chapter 1

Before I start, I shall say that I am NOT a Sesshi hater, I just thought this would be an amusing subject…. And don't attack me with a flourish of posts entitled "you suck" and all that, for this is my first attempt at a fanfic and I hardly do be the budding writer of the year…. and without further ado, let us start…

Sesshoumaru's Most Deadly Confession… and the Bad Guy's Most Horrible Surprise…

Black clouds swirled overhead as Naraku laughed triumphantly over his imminent victory, for Inuyasha and his friends were lying in moaning heaps, and he had Sesshoumaru at the end of his sword, "Now, I shall finally--" he never did finish that sentence, for sheer shock of what was happening before him had silenced the evil tyrant. Sesshoumaru was crying, and wailing loudly,

"Oh! This cannot be!" he cried stridently, "How can I die when such a secret lies within me?"

"…a secret?" Naraku inquired, removing his sword awkwardly from Sesshoumaru's throat, blinking stupidly, "Maybe this is some cruel illusion; perhaps I spent too long plotting, and my brain has rotted from the strain, but no, I very much doubt that." Inuyasha looked disgruntled, but did not say anything, for fear he might provoke the puzzled tyrant, who was focusing solely on Sesshoumaru's mental breakdown. He spoke in between sniffles.

"I have kept a dark secret for longer than I care to imagine, one that could disturb you all… but alas, I must speak my mine, for I cannot die without saying these three words: I AM GAY!" Naraku stared unwillingly at the demon lord, shuffling backwards, asking,

"You're… gay, Sesshoumaru?" The demon lord nodded, "We needed to know this disturbing piece of information… why?" he added.

"Because, Naraku, ever since I first saw you in that baboon pelt on that dusty road, your eyes glinting in the sunset, I knew you were the one that I was destined to be with! I love you, Naraku!" the one addressed at this point went wide-eyed.

"M-m-m-ME! I thought it was your goal to dispatch of me!" he stuttered, still unsure what to make of this situation.

"Was every cold glare I ever gave you a lie?" Sesshoumaru asked, tears sliding down his usually emotionless face.

"Yes…" Naraku replied in a quaky voice, expecting a fan girl hug.

"This is bloody stupid!" Inuyasha cried, standing up via the aid of a tree and a large stick, "You CAN'T be gay, Sesshoumaru! What about Sara? and Kagura for god's sake?" Inuyasha indicated to a lamenting Kagura, who was moaning about her impressions of love.

"No, brother, it is true. I do love Naraku so! Not those second class GIRLS!" Naraku, who was still shuffling backwards, tripped over a rock and cursed loudly, things just weren't going his way today, "If you love him, too, then I suggest you say, and start begging for I am prettier than you!" he flicked his long hair naively. Jaken was, at this point, crawling out from behind a tree, in shock from his master's confession.

"You're gay, milord?" Jaken asked quietly, hoping he was not wrong, finding a nod as his reply, he started running around in circles, shouting, "oh woe is me! For my cold master is gay, and I am but a weak imp with no friends, no family, no love! What shall I do now? Should I comfort Lord Sesshoumaru, should I stare incredulously at him? Should I continue my hysterics? Should I go and eat some melon with Rin? Nay, I shall choose the penultimate option!" and thus Jaken continued running around in little circles.

Directing the attention back to Naraku, who was still sprawled out across the ground…

Sesshoumaru looked lovingly at Naraku, and then jumped upon him. The one being jumped upon, decided not to move, in case anything else weird happened to him, such as another one of those darned fan girls appearing, but that did not happen, for that would be stupid. However, a melon did fall from the sky and hit him squarely on the head, forcing the confused oppressor to lose consciousness and slump on the ground. Ending Sesshoumaru's jumpy fit. Inuyasha's gang, who were recuperating took this moment to make their entrances into the fanfic. Miroku, who was glaring evilly at Naraku, decided to speak up,

"Should we bash his skull in with that other melon descending from the sky that is about to hit Jaken?" He asked, earning a squeak from Sesshoumaru.

"I say we steal the shikon shards and legit." piped up Kagome joyously.

"No, no. Let's torture him!" declared an evil looking Shippo.

"Roast him alive!"

"Drown him in boiling oil!"

"Make him take geometry exams!"

"Force feed him liver!"

"GIVE HIM TO SESSHOUMARU!" of course, the last suggestion earned a round of applause, and it was settled, that Naraku was to go with Sesshoumaru, to his castle of gayness, as it was later to be called. Sesshoumaru was, at this moment, laughing impishly, with a smile fitting a rabid fan girl on his face.

"So, brother. We leave him to you, and err… take care of him…" Inuyasha decreed, trying his hardest not to burst out into fits of maniacal laughter. Sesshoumaru smiled at this, and replied sweetly.

"I will, and my beloved brother, please, call me sister." With that, Sesshoumaru left with his escorts: Rin and Aun whom was carrying the unconscious forms of Naraku and Jaken, both seemingly rendered lifeless by god sent melons. As they disappeared slowly into the trees, Sango started shaking with laughter, trying her very hardest to suppress the insane bout of cackling that was to follow. The suppressing did not work, and before long, the entire Inuyasha gang was rolling around on the floor, holding little regard from the incredulous onlookers that had just witnessed the whole scene: Kouga, Kaede, the spirit of Inuyasha and his brother's late father who was not in the best of mental states and Totosai, exchanging odd looks with Myoga.

"So, is this chapter going to end then?" Kouga inquired boredly.

"I don't know, I don't care, my son and heir is GAY!"

"It doth not bode well for thine Western Lands." Kaede remarked sullenly.

"Don't rub it in, grandma." The desceased lord replied.

"…Nice to see you again, master."

"You too, flea."

"Are they going to stop laughing any time soon?"

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Dunno, you're meant to be smart."

"Mutt face looks like a girl now."

"Hey, don't diss my son."

"Well he does."

"…That's NOT the point."

"Except for the part where it totally is?"

"What ever happened to the nice description away from the dark lands of direct speech?"

"I think the author got lazy." A pineapple descended from the sky and hit the speaker.

"…she definitely got lazy."

And then the chapter ended.

Me: sorry twas kinda short… the next one will be longer! I SWEAR!

Friends: -- yyyep, sure.

Me: …..anyways, its probably crap, right? fantasizes of many good reviews, but realises that isn't going to happen --; but seriously, pleeeeeeease review. I might even be forced to beg. . 


	2. Chapter 2

Thankies to every1 for reviewing - this chapter goes slightly epic at the end, but it shall alllll be resolved… u just wait and see!

I probably need a disclaimer, right?

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. But I would like to. I DO however own my office domain, and the crates of fruit, and the gay Sesshoumaru's personality, if nothing else.

Chapter 2: When one tries to work out the source of gayness.

Aun groaned under the weight of its two unconscious cargo loads, which had still not moved after being hit by flying fruit. Rin giggled,

"Lord Sesshoumaru, I think that Jaken was sneaking second helpings of fish… He's too heavy for Aun. Or maybe that's just Naraku, he is kinda fat…" Naraku, after hearing the kid call him fat, jumped up.

"I am NOT fat!" remembering that he was pretending to be dead, he quickly lay back down, to which Sesshoumaru was unmindful with delight.

"NARRY-CHAAAN!" exclaimed joyously, jumping up and down, "We're going back to MY castle now so we can all be friends!" to which Naraku realised he was discovered, and slid off Aun grudgingly, who still seemed to be having trouble carrying its load.

"That's… err… nice, Sesshoumaru." Muttered Naraku who was still having trouble coming to grip with the fact that he was being held hostage by a gay demon lord obsessed with him.

"When we get to his castle, we can make daisy chains, and paint flowery pictures!" Rin piped up happily.

"…joy."

A mile or so away where there is much discussion occurring….

Inu no taisho fidgeted nervously, unsure as to why his son was suddenly a gay lunatic obsessed with an evil tyrant.

"Dude, c'mon. Its not THAT bad. I guess you'll just have to start buying him hello kitty merchandise for his birthday… heheh, hello kitty…" Kouga tried to comfort the ex demon lord in vain, but it just wasn't working. Kagome was in hysterics as to this suggestion, but realised a slight problem with it.

"Wait, how do you know about hello kitty, Kouga?" Kagome asked.

"I have… ways…" Kouga's eyes went shifty, and all stared at him, worriedly, "ahem. As I was saying, it really isn't that bad, having a gay son, I mean, tons of people are gay, for example: Inuyasha, Draco Malfoy, Sauron… They're ALL gay!"  
"Take that back wimpy wolf!" Inuyasha leapt up irately, "just because my brother is gay, it doesn't mean that I am gay!"

"Then why do you wear a necklace, huh?"

"This is a magical artefact!"

"Then who gave it you, hmmm?"

"Kagome!"

"Is that true Kagome?" the one asked expected a fist fight as a result of this, so said nothing.

"Kagome!"

"I didn't give it to you Inuyasha…" She said innocently.

"You SO did!" Inuyasha shouted irritably.

"Don't threaten my woman, mutt face!"

"Bring it on!"

Due to the consideration for the reader, the next scene has been deleted due to extreme violence and bad language.

Inuyasha and Kouga lay side by side, exhausted, covered in blood, bruises and all kinds of injuries, whilst the rest of the Inuyasha cast had appeared from no where, and had started betting on the winner, except of course Sesshoumaru and co, who were somewhere terrorising poor Naraku. Kikyou as well, because she is enchanting the fruits so that they fall from the sky at the will of the author.

"Did anyone expect a draw?" Kagome asked, concerned for the safety of her two friends.

"…I expected a rugby match." Admitted Sango

"Yet another out of place reference to the modern era."

"Perhaps we could return our focus to working out what happened to my son?" Inu no taisho asked weakly, mentally disturbed by all that had been occurring.

"…sorry." The rest of the cast uttered in unison, except those stated above.

"I have a theory!" stated Shippo, standing on a table, "it is my opinion, that the author was bored, and decided to twist Sesshoumaru's personality more than humanely possible! Thus, if we kill the author, Sesshoumaru will go back to normal!" an orange-banana hybrid child descended from the skies and hit Shippo on the head, "Or we could just try the author's way of ending the story without her getting hurt."

"What IS the author's way?" a message appeared in the sky made of little neon pears reading: "She doesn't know."

"Well that's just GREAT. How is the story meant to end now?" Miroku asked the sky. It replied:

"Dunno"

"Well that's very clever, miss author. You can't write a story without an ending in mind! It's not logical, its not the correct way, what would Dr Patrick think of this, hmmm?" He told the sky. Then the scene changed.

Somewhere in a forest…….

Jaken groaned a little, and opened one eye, "Oh what a nightmare!" he cried, "for I dreamt that you, Lord Sesshoumaru, were gay, and loved Naraku and---" Jaken saw Sesshoumaru relentlessly hugging Naraku with a chibi smile on his face, "Oh crap." The demon toad concluded.

"Laaaaaaaaaaanguage, Master Jaken!" Rin giggled, who was brushing Naraku's hair with a toothpick, who was looking sick from the pain of having a toothpick rammed into your skull then having it dragged straight through tangles.

"Ja…ken….. heeeeelp…" He moaned through his pained gasps.

"IT WAS REALITY! OH WOE IS ME FOR LORD SESSHOUMARU IS GAAAY!" Jaken cried, flinging his staff into the air, which then landed on Sesshoumaru, whose eyes began glowing red.

"Lord Sesshoumaru? Are you okay?" Rin asked cutely, "Lord Sesshoumaru?" Of course, Sesshoumaru was too busy approaching Jaken with a malicious grin on his face. Naraku, anticipating the slaughter that was about to occur, stepped out in front of Sesshoumaru with a cute look on his face.

"Oh please Lord Sesshoumaru, don't hurt Jaken, please?" trying not to gag from having to be cute. Sesshoumaru instantly smiled, and his eyes reverted back to their yellow state.

"YAY! CHIBI!" he cried, and hugged Naraku Chii style.

"Chibi? I am NOT chibi! Rin is chibi! Jaken is chibi! Shippo is chibi! I am not chibi! And for god's sake Sesshoumaru, get off me! GAAAH, I've had enough of this!" And with that, Naraku got up and left, stalking off into the trees.

"He has anger management issues." Rin muttered.

"No, he's just really really really pissed off."

"Language, Master Jakken."

"Stupid kid."

"CHIBIIIIIII!" the two arguing short people glanced at Sesshoumaru, who was bursting out into floods of tears, "COME BAAAAAAAACK!"

"Should we get Naraku before Lord Sesshoumaru goes psycho and starts killing people?" Rin asked.

"That might just be a good idea, Rin." With that, the little girl got up and ran after Naraku, who was lamenting by a tree, with another depressed character.

"Oh, Kikyou! Woe is me! For I am telling my troubles to the one that I have tried to kill many times, and I have a gay warlord doting upon me and calling me 'chibi'!"

"Tell me about it, dude. The author is forcing me to enchant random fruits and make them fall from the skies and hit random characters, even you! Did you ever stop to ponder why you were rendered unconscious by a melon?"

"Now that I think about it… there ARE an awful lot of fruits in this fanfic."

"That's not the half of it, she slave drives me, and makes me do her washing, cooking, cleaning, even her homework!"

"That's awful…"

"Cigarette?"

"Yet another obscure modern day reference."

"Yeah, I have some vodka too."

"CHIBI CHAAN!" Rin cried, finding Naraku sitting with Kikyou, "ooooh, are you two timing on Lord Sesshoumaru?"

"You shouldn't even know what two timing IS, Rin." Naraku replied.

"When you live with Jaken, you learn."

"That's… er… nice." He replied, exchanging worried glances with Kikyou. Who turned her head towards Rin.

"Hey, kid. Want a cigarette? Vodka, too?" She asked.

"What are those?" Rin replied curiously.

"Miracles."

"And those are good."

"Yes."

"So I can have them."

"….Yes."

"And Lord Sesshoumaru won't be mad?"

"No comment."

1 hour later…

"THE END IS NIIIIIIIIGH!" a drunk Rin cried.

"It -hic- sure is, kiddo, ain't that right, Keekster?" Naraku, not quite as drunk as the others, exclaimed.

"Whooo, I dunno, Chibi Man, drugs are pretty cool…….."

"Dude, that wasn't the question."

"NOH! IT WAS IS THE END NIGH!" Rin cried.

"Nah, but the drugs are nigh….. Wanna magic mushroom?" She asked, holding up thin air.

"'n I thought I was drunk…" he muttered.

"Yo, let's go back to Lord Fluffy…" Rin managed, before collapsing into the arms of Kikyou. Who then collapsed into the arms of Naraku, who then said:

"Shit."

The office domain of the author….

The author of this fanfic sat in an evil looking office chair throne gazing upon the feudal era, laughing maniacally as she did so, she raised her hand, and a pixie slave flew in from the window of outside her office, bowing low before the author. She was not the god, for that was Rumiko Takahashi, but she was A god. "Bring me Kikyou, for I have more washing for her to do, and I need some coffee. Double espresso, mind. Single is too little. Triple is just… well… lets just not recall the last time I tried one of those—but that is beside the point." The pixie slave squeaked and flew out, set on its sole purpose to capture Kikyou. It is impossible for a single pixie to capture a priestess, but that is why it had an army… an army of fruit! No, that's stilly. An army offff….. socks? No that's worse an army off---

The artist's studio domain of Rumiko Takahashi… which is higher than the office domain, and has a larger fruit stock.

"It appears that our egotistical author thinks that she can take over my role as the creator of Inuyasha via a silly fanfiction about a homosexual Sesshoumaru. Well, she is wrong! Mwuahahaha—ahem. Fetch me a crate of fruit!" With that, Rumiko Takahashi emptied the crate of fruit down upon the author and her domain, most of which missed and fell through to the land of feudal Japan.

Back with Sesshoumaru, who is practising his girly laugh…

"Meeheeheeehee!"

"7.5 milord." A bored Jaken stated.

"Really? I would say its more a 10?" Sesshoumaru replied.

"No, its definitely a 7.5 milord."

"Why do you rate my laughs so low, Jaken?" One thought echoed throughout the toad demons head: 'because they are crap' but Jaken did not say that, for he would get hurt if he did. Very hurt.

"Because they just need a little more work, milord."

"but that's not faiiiiiiiir, I mean, I would be nice and rate higher than its worth--" he did not have the pleasure of ending that sentence, for the stray bits of fruit that had missed the office domain flew through the air and rained down upon the master and his servant. A particular melon seemed intent on hitting Jaken, it did, and he was rendered unconscious for the second time in two chapters. "Déjà vu…"

And then the second chapter ended.

o.O okay… that got kinda…well… I dunno, and I just can't be bothered to redo it… guess I'll just have to have a battle with rumiko at the end of this…

friends: OO how epic is this going to be?

me: ………I have no idea.


	3. To Hell, their lives do go

Thankies to all my fans!

Friends: fans? Who is your fan?

Me: …uh… that guy over there! points

Friends: WHERE! looks

Me: seizes opportunity to run like hell and without further ado, let us begin!

Chapter 3: To Hell, Their Lives Go.

Naraku was sitting somewhere in a forest with two drunk, cataleptic girls on his hands, and double vision, not quite realising it. He pondered why there were two Kikyous and two Rins, and way more trees than there were before. "Maybe my enemies are trying to confuse me. If they are… It's working… I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUUUuuUuUu! Unless you have machine guns…" At this moment, the pixie sent to retrieve Kikyou walked by, staring worriedly at the drunk dictator raving about machine guns.

"S'cuse me, can I take that lady you have there? Sir? Uhhh… Sir? Siiiiir…." The pixie trailed off, realising that a verbal approach was not the way to go. Physical was though. It took out an oversized spec of dust the size and weight of a bowling ball, and dropped it upon Naraku, who collapsed into a drunken pile.

Meanwhile…

Jaken mumbled angrily in his sleep about Sesshoumaru's crappy laugh, whilst the demon lord scowled at Jaken. When, a slight tingly feeling entered his brain "Oh ho, my spider sense is tingling! Naraku is in grave danger!" he cried, unaware of the bizarre usage of a Spiderman reference, "I shall save you, my love!" he then ran off into the trees, leaving Jaken to be comatose all alone with no one to comfort him over his pain when he awoke, but then again, we don't really care about Jaken, do we?

Sesshoumaru found a very strange scene as he entered the clearing where Naraku was supposedly alone with Rin. Naraku was lying in a moaning heap, whilst a little pixie fellow was trying to drag Kikyou off using a rope and a horse. Rin was just lying there looking cute, "Can I ask what you are doing, Sir Pixie?" Sesshoumaru asked curiously, unsure what to do with his two companions.

"So the authoress changed your personality again?" The pixie asked, irresolute as to what the author had in mind for this fan fiction, "You now appear to be… normal gay? Well… you're certainly not--" it decided not to finish its sentence after it saw Sesshoumaru crouched down beside Naraku, sobbing.

"Oh please don't be dead! I am too stuck up and arrogant to know how to cope with your death! Oooh! I know! Maybe if I will it really hard, you'll wake up. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease…. Aww, it didn't work." Meanwhile, Kikyou stirred from her drunken slumber, fresh and the normal depressed priestess, except with a hangover.

"My heaaaaaaad… Oh it hurts…" She moaned loudly, she observed her surroundings, "I didn't actually drink that vodka I found in the authoresses' laundry basket, did I?" She spotted many vodka bottles sprawled out across the ground between herself and Naraku and Rin's unconscious forms. "Damn. Does that mean I got a kid drunk, too?" The pixie nodded, and Sesshoumaru was too busy chasing butterflies to care, "Y'know, maybe I wasn't cut out for this whole 'priestess' thing. Maybe I should try punk or druggie in the modern day? Or perhaps one of those people that get crap wages to stand in Disney Land dressed up as screwed up Disney characters for hours on end, scaring all the kids, and having a few assault me…"

"Come back here, butterfree! We haven't finished playing yet!" Sesshoumaru cried, prancing after a butterfly.

"Butterfree, as in Pokemon butterfree?"

"I LOVE POKEMON! WOOO!" Sesshoumaru then broke of into relentless rounds of singing the Pokemon theme song, "I wanna be the very best like no one ever was, doo doo doo doo doo, to catch them is my real quest, to train them is my cause, na na na na na na na na, I will travel 'cross the land, searching far and wide, doo doo doo doo doo, each Pokemon to understaand the power that's insiiiide, Pokemon gotta catch em aall, I know its my destiny, Pokemon, Ohhh you're my best frieend in a world we must defeeeeeend--"

"Shut up Sesshoumaru." Naraku muttered groggily, emerging from the realms of an oversized spec of dust induced coma.

"Chibi-chan!"

"We've been through this before, I am NOT chibi." The pixie sniggered evilly.

"Oh just get married, you too. They do gay marriages now, y'know? It was all over the papers in England." It informed the pair, holding up a copy of the evening standard.

"Yay! Let's get married, Naraku!"

"Hell, no."

"Pleeeeeease?"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please."

"God damn it, NO, Sesshoumaru!" Rin then stirred, blinking sweetly.

"Laaaanguage, Mrs. Sesshoumaru! Tee hee." She giggled, chasing the same butterfly that Sesshomaru was, "I love you, venamoth!"

"Mrs… Sesshoumaru? Mrs?" The title echoed through out Naraku's head eerily, as he swayed from side to side, wide eyed, "Mrs… is that what the Inu gang wanted? Me to go into gay matrimony with Sesshoumaru? All because of the twisted mind of a twisted senior school student?" He rose dramatically, his long, raven black hair swaying in the wind, "Am I condemned to such torture for eternity, should I give up? Alas, I shall not, I shall continue to hope and wonder that my true love will materialize for some unknown reason, but knowing who is writing this, that shall not happen!" He tensed up, and a heavy wind started blowing, he raised his arms towards the sky, and let out a cry of one who is giving up, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Kaede's hut, which is holding more than it can contain.

"Get off me, mutt face!"

"Hey that's my foot!"

"PERVERT!" A slap echoed throughout the crammed room.

"Ah how I suffer for love…"

"Please, allow this old woman to flick thine light switch so we can see!"

"We don't have a light switch, you old hag!"

"…oh."

"Ahhh! Stop touching me there!"

"What?"

"WRRROOOOONNNNGGGG!"

"Sorry, Kagome…"

"Is that you, Inu no taisho?"

"Yeah…"

"PERVERTED DEMON LORD!" Another slap sounded.

"Kagome, I'm scaaaared…"

"We all are, Shippo… scared for SOME people's sanity."

"What?" The ex demon lord and the monk asked at the same time, "We didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did!"

"Ah ha! I have found thine fireplace!"

"Fox fire!"

"Hey, Shippo, that HURT!"

"I was trying to light the fire!"

"Over here, young one!"

"SUPER-ALMIGHTY-FOXY-KINKY-YELLOW-FISHING-POLE-POWER-OF-FOX-FIREY-DOOM!" and Shippo thus lit the fire, revealing some people in the most dodgy of positions, and others intentionally so. Kaede shook her head grimly.

"Oh what I do for a nice cuppa soup…" she remarked, pulling out a pot of instant o tea maker 5000.

"What happened to the other 4999 pots of instant o tea maker?" Kouga asked with that tone of voice that parents put on when they ask little kids. Kaede said nothing, "You broke them, didn't you?" The old woman nodded grudgingly.

"That's so cute! Kaede broke pots of instant o tea maker!" lets write this down in the Kaede book!" he held up a book which read: 'recording Kaede's progress for over 50 years since birth'. This is how I monitor my daughter.

"You're Kaede's father! This is just getting stupid." Sango declared, whilst thumping Miroku with her hiraikotsu, "but wait, does that mean Kikyou is Kouga's daughter as well? And then why aren't you half demons? Or…"

"Uhhh" Kagome pondered this, and this action was mimicked by all.

"Or… This is some kind of weird joke!" Kagura concluded, with mummers of agreement sounding behind her.

"Maybe this is a nasty plot twist?" Shippo asked, "I mean, the author likes doing this, adding in freakish twists, and working our poor little cartoon brains, I mean, cut us some slack! We're only cartoon! And depending on the screen that you watch us on, we could be an inch high. How small would that make our brains, huh?"

"The kid's right." All agreed to this with a nod of the head.

"But… I AM her father!" Kouga protested.

"Twisted, this is." Kaede muttered, "Stupid, arrogant authoresses think they can re write ye TV program."

"Yeah! Let's rebel against the system!"

"Demonstratioooooon!"

"No! We can't do that! She needs to un-screw my son's personality!" the former demon lord cried with a shaky voice.

"Right. Then, let's hurt her after he's back to the old Sesshoumaru!" Kagura cried, "She stole my love from me!"

Back with Sesshoumaru, who caught butterfree with a pokeball… (quite a feat!)

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo" Naraku continued with his dramatic cry. The pixie patted Rin on the head, looking at the despairing tyrant.

"Don't worry, kid. He'll run out of breath soon enough." It said, staring worriedly at Naraku, who was still going steadily with his despairing cry.

"Oh good, I thought it was kinda freakish that he could still be going even WITH an interlude. I mean, he hasn't even gone blue yet…" Kikyou then realised that a horse was dragging her by a rope.

"Crap." She muttered, attempting to remove the rope attaching her to the horse, "Stop moving, damn you, horse!" she cried, a branch falling from a tree and hitting her on the head. The horse snorted, supposedly sniggering. "Oh, that is NOT funny!" She cried.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooO--" Naraku started making hacking noises, and coughing uncontrollably, breathing heavily. "And I return to you refreshed and anew! Ohhh look! Flowers!" Naraku started running towards flowers, realising what he was doing, he stopped abruptly. "I mean… Ohhh look… evil things! I do love evil things! Cough, cough… and, uh… its… the uh… Shikon no tama… so I think I'll just go now." And he edged away into the shadows. Everyone blinked and burst out laughing, except Sesshoumaru, who was crying.

"MY LOVE HAS DISSAPPEARED! THE SHADOW TOOK HIM! NOOOOOOOO—cough hack cough –OOO—cough, cough—OOOOOO—aww screw this." Rin exchanged glances with the pixie, who opened its mouth.

"That was really… pathetic. Naraku kept going for at least 5 minutes, yet you can only do it for a few seconds… but seriously, what DID happen to Naraku? I could see his evil glinty eyes in the shadow, but I can't anymore…" it ran into the shadow and looked around for Naraku, "Woah, he HAS gone!" Tears welled up in Sesshoumaru's eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hey, that was pretty good…"

"Really? That's so COOL!"

Some where in hell…..

Jaken awoke groggily, his vision beginning to focus, revealing a barren landscape, where in front of him was what looked like a seven story wedding cake, a great tower with seven circles, with piercing screams echoing from it. _Hey, that's a wedding cake, I wonder how it tastes… No! Must not think of that! First, where am I? lets see… eerie piercing screams emmiting from the wedding cake… seven circles… Eeeeevil auras… Naraku sprawled out across the ground in front of me… OH DEAR BHUDDA, I'M IN HELL! (("£)& &")( (£$#! (&$(& £( #" (&T"£(&!_ Naraku woke up slowly, muttering something about a cheese cake,

"Damn… that was a baaaaaaad dream. Hey, Jaken. Do you ever get the feeling that the cheesecakes are your enemies and want to kill you? Jaken? Jaaaaaakennn? JAKEN!" the toad demon was staring, wide eyed, at the wedding cake, "what's up with the wedding cake? Seven circles? Its almost like we're in…" He realised. "!()! (& !£"&$ !"(&£ )(! (&(£"&$ "(£& )(& "£$ ) "£$( !"

Back with Sesshoumaru…

A nokia tune sounded, and the pixie procured a phone from inside its bag.

"Yes? Yes, master. No… Kikyou? She's uh… well about that—Well YOU'RE the one in charge here! What do you mean your evil twin has taken over the keyboard? Sorry, I should stop answering back now. Yes, I shall. BYE!" The pixie hung up. "We have a serious problem." Sesshoumaru retreated his butterfree from battle with a pikachu, and stared at the pixie's phone.

"3-G! OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE 3-G!" he squealed.

"…anyways, it seems that our authoress has lost the keyboard to her evil twin, her office domain has been destroyed, and she is now floating somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with hungry killer sharks circling her. On to the stuff that matters: Naraku, Jaken and Kikyou have mysteriously disappeared to hell, this is because of the evil twin. Anyways, lots more will go there, if we don't do something! WE MUST FIGHT THE EVIL AND SAVE MY LOVE, JAKEN FROM HELL!" Rin sighed.  
"Too bad that Jaken already has his heart set on Sesshoumaru." She said, "I guess Naraku's gonna take a beating in hell… poor guy. I ALMOST feel sorry for him."

"MY LOVE!" Sesshoumaru cried, running around in little circles, "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!"

And then the THIRD chapter ended.

DUM BUM BUUUM!

Woa… this is just getting more and more crazy as I write… oh well. Can't help that…


	4. Death By Barney

Me: Once again, I do thank all my reviewers… I LOVE YOU PPL!

Friends: suuure you love them…

Me: …and without further ado…

Friends: …let the fourth chapter begin.

Me: YAY!

Chapter 4: Death by Barney.

Somewhere in the pacific ocean…

The authoress hung on to her inflatable crocodile, whilst angry sharks circled her, a few got dangerously close to her, but quickly swum away after a banshee scream pierced through the air and surrounding water.

"DIE, YOU SUCKISH SCUM! FOR I HAVE COOKIES! AND IF YOU KILL ME, HOW WILL YOU GET THE COOKIES, HUH? HAHA! YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO!" She mocked the sharks. They stopped circling, awaiting the cookies, "Okay! That's more like it! Now, toe me to shore, and you get ALL my cookies!" They all seemed to shrug, then one approached the authoress, she grabbed ahold… and then… the rest is just aimless swimming.

Somewhere in the middle in Japan…

"Are we nearly there yet?" Shippo asked his foster mother.

"… where are we going, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked.

"Dunno…. I thought he knew" he pointed at his father, who was perverting Sango, along with Miroku.

"…No. He definitely doesn't know."

"I think we were looking for Sesshi."

"We were? I thought we were going on another clichéd quest to save the world from some ill-conceived evil or ugly evil. Either one."

"…Some evils were pretty good looking, though." Kagome muttered.

"Like?"

"…Naraku wasn't THAT bad… neither was Juroumaru. I spose Hakudoushi was a good looking kid--" Kaede thwacked Kagome.

"That is wrong, my child. Haku was far too young for ye."

"…I know" Inuyasha was shaking with rage by this point, about to say something, but Sango interrupted him.

"Sesshi was pretty buff before he went gay and poof-like." She said, Inu no Taisho growled.

"I'm better looking." He glared at Sango, who observed him.

"No. Fluffy-sama was a lot better looking than you."

Somewhere else in Japan not so far away from the last somewhere…

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! MY LOVE IS DEAD!" Sesshoumaru screeched, whilst the pixie, Rin, and the other random demons that had congregated slapped their heads.

"He's not dead. He was dragged unnaturally into hell by freaks of the known nature: Barney lovers." The pixie corrected the demon lord, "Anyway, we must meet up with the former authoress and use her supreme power to save Jaken, Naraku and Kikyou from hell. I believe she also has cookies." Rin blinked unsurely.

"Chocolate chip?" she asked.

"With a touch of vodka." The pixie winked, expecting an excited squeal from Rin. It came, not just from her.

"YAY!" Sesshoumaru cried, dancing around the clearing, everyone else staring at him, "Whaaaaat?" he asked the incredulous pixie.

"…Sesshoumaru. That's REALLY sad." It said, a hint of anger in its voice, "On with what I was about to say before Sesshoumaru interrupted me: We must travel to the eastern shore of Japan, and wait there until she gets to the right part of the beach, from there, we shall go to Sesshoumaru's castle, where we shall talk on what to do… Hopefully, Inuyasha will have worked out from reading the rest of the fanfic what we planned to do, and he shall meet us at Sesshoumaru's. Any questions?" Rin raised her hand.

"Can I strangle the authoress when we see her?"

"Please do." Sesshoumaru also raised his hand. "Yes, Sesshoumaru?"

"How do you KNOW that I will just let you into my castle: I might decide to not let you in…. or only let a few in. OR maybe I left my keys in the taxi." The pixie shut its eyes, a single thought ran through its imaginary head: _How many Inuyashas does it take to screw in a light bulb?_ Okay, maybe it was slightly different to that…

Hell, circle 2:

Jaken wriggled in the random evil thing's grasp.

"What have you done with Naraku? Master will huuurt me if something happens to him!" He cried in his little impish voice. The evil thing sighed and stopped walking.

"He's in the 7th circle… Maybe one day I'll get to go there… the 2nd circle pay is crap" it groaned and continued walking.

"B-B-BUT!" Jaken silenced himself, remembering a few words that his mother had spoken a while back: 'Never say never. Or but. IF U DO I-A-BEAT YOU, MARIO—Jaken!

"Shut up and keep screaming, if you do, the big demon bosses will notice me and I will get promoted to the 3rd circle. Who knows… maybe you can come with me…" It laughed a menacing laugh that almost sounded like the barny theme song then turned to face a big door with flowers all over it. Jaken gasped. _I sense a great evil from within that door...I must not be misled by the flowers...Ooooh! A daffodil! NO! Must...Resist...Flowers...Not...Resisting...Well... _Jaken reached out his hand and touched the daffodil mural, a loud hiss sounded from the tips of his fingers, which were emitting a steadily flowing stream of steam.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S A STEADILY FLOWING STREAM OF STEAM! Hey… that's kinda catchy… stream of steam… stream of steeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam--" The evil thing rolled its eyes and then thrust the singing imp through the door into darkness…

Hell, circle 7.

A single voice echoed in the darkness, piercing through Naraku's mind as it reverberated around the room "Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur..." It had been doing that for hours on end, never ceasing to take a breathe, that was if it ever inhaled. The only other time it seemed to stop was what Naraku took to be a toilet break, otherwise it was constant singing. Sometimes the voice changed to a woman's voice, then to a man's… then to something that he just couldn't work out, which was later revealed to him to be James Blunt. At the beginning of his ordeal, Naraku had screamed. A lot. Quite like a girl. But now, he had learnt to accept what looked to be eternal Barney. The voice continued to echo "Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur…" Naraku closed his eyes wishing for the end to come, _surely this cannot continue?_ "Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur" _Is it nearly over yet?_ "Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur" _It has to be…_ "Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur" _Nearly…_ "Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur" _I can't take much more of this… _"Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosaur" _No… please, no! _"Barney is a dinosaur Barney is a dinosa—cough hack cough"_It'll start again soon… I know it…_ More voices echoed throughout the darkness of more servants of the devil. "cough hack I'M DYING cough hack cough"

"OH MY DEVIL, JAMES BLUNT IS DYING!"

"Tell my…COUGH… fans…I…COUGH… love them… COUGH all…" a loud choking sound was heard.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!" _What the fuck? Did my torturer… just…die? That's so cool! Ugh… so…bored…_And then, a far worse song was heard. "Schee Schnai Schnappi, Schnappi Schnappi Schnapp…" Naraku cringed, knowing that his life was truly over. It had to be. There was no other way that pain on this level could be conveyed except in hell… or in the mind of the authoress. That was the other possibility of his location, but even he had worked out that if that were the case, he would be wearing a hoola skirt and coconut bra and dancing to the Cheeky Girls song. As the song once again reached its horrific chorus of nasty sounds, the doors to the torture chamber flung open, and Kikyou was pushed in. Her hair was all screwed, and her clothes, torn.

"Bloody barney fans… Kill the lot of them!" She cried angrily, glaring at Naraku who was bewildered. Kikyou glared at him, "What are you staring at, freak?" she asked with scorn in her voice.

"Human life… OH GOD I'M SAAAAAAAVED!" He ran up and gave Kikyou an affectionate hug.

"Woa… steady on… We don't want the readers to think this is a NarakuXKikyou fanfic, do we? It's a stupid, light hearted, few pages of insane banter. Not a romance story!"

"…Sorry, Keekster…" he muttered, retreating to the corner.

"Freak."

"So… Err… What are you doing in the 7th circle, Keek? Aren't you a priestess or something…?" Naraku asked, ignoring the schnappi song in the backround.

"… I assaulted the staff of the 1st circle." Naraku gasped. "Nine times." He gasped again.

"MURDERER! FEMALE RAPIST! DOMINATRIX! SAVE MEEEE!" Naraku screeched, cutting through the eerie schnappi song. Guards of hell ran into the room with weapons out ready to face the supposed dominatrix rapist. They glared at Kikyou. Then at Naraku.

"Off to padded cells for both of them…separate cells. Then we can review their placing in hell and see if we can get them transferred to a mental institution in heaven." The other guards nodded in approval then took the two perplexed damned by the arms and dragged them separate ways down corridors.

"DAMN YOU, NARAKU! NOW THEY THINK WE'RE INSANE!" she yelled after him.

"Hee hee… the sun on my shoulders makes me feel happpyyy…" was her only response from Naraku, who had been driven insane by the combined efforts of Barney, James Blunt and Schnappi.

"Sesshoumaru's going to fucking kill when he sees Naraku like this…" Kikyou muttered to herself. "I almost feel sorry for Jaken. Oh well."

Kikyou's cell…

Kikyou stirred slightly, her vision slightly blurred. "Woah, those anabolic steroid things sure are effective…" she stated, remembering the sign on the needle that they had used to inject that stuff into her. The psychiatrist looked at her awkwardly.

"Anabolic steroids are for horses or something…" the psychiatrist informed her before shuffling his papers. "Do you know why you are here, Kikyou?" She nodded her head grudgingly.

"Because Naraku lost it?"

"Because you tried to rape him as a dominatrix. We are now assuring the poor guy that evil priestesses with whips are not trying to kill him. Do you have anything to say for yourself, kiddo?" the psychiatrist smirked at his last word, and then chuckled at his private joke, preceding to laugh like a maniac on happy pills. Kikyou edged away slowly muttering under her breath.

"I wonder what year HE was meant to be released in…" an alarm bell sounded at that moment followed by a brief announcement.

"An extremely dangerous individual has escaped from his cell, he is a known rapist and psychopath, quite possible a murderer. He likes to pose as a psychiatrist and has a tendency to carry around unimportant papers and stuff. He may also call you kiddo, or to point out errors in speech regarding steroids."

Kikyou paused for a moment, looking at the man in front of her. "Well that couldn't possibly be him." She muttered with a sarcastic tone, before he incapacitated her. The only things that the real staff found in her cell were the laughing freak, and many, many pieces of clay that showed signs of scorching and many attempts at stabbing. Little souls floated around the room, as her final screams echoed throughout the walls.

Somewhere else in the joyous world of the psychiatrist ward slightly before the previous incident…

A large thug glared at Naraku who seemed intent on killing him, actually, it had been that way for a few hours, Naraku was just too drugged up to notice until that point, when the thuggish dude stood up, placed his unimportant papers down, relieved his brain from the correct usage of steroids and inhaled. Naraku prepared himself for death, but that did not come, instead, the thug altered his posture to look suspiciously like a teapot and started singing "HOooOoOooo I'm a little teapot short 'n stouuuuuuut, here's my handle, here's my spoooooutttttttt!" The thuggish dude laughed maniacally and burst out of his cell, leaving the poor evil tyrant reeling with confusion.

"…I wonder if they have pea soup here…" Naraku wondered, before inexplicably falling asleep. Only to be reawakened a while later to the sound of the alarm bell and the preceding announcement regarding the psychopathic rapist and possible murderer.

After staring into space for one hour, twenty-three minutes and fifty-seven seconds, the thuggish dude was brought screaming back to his cell by some Men in White Coats. One looked at Naraku and sighed heavily.

"I am… so sorry for your loss, but Fi Fi here just killed your dominatrix friend by burning her and a few attempts at stabbing her with the plastic butter knife, he also crushed her quite a bit with that mace, we REALLY should remove them from all the cells…" He then placed a piece of cardboard to cover up the hole which Fi Fi created whilst bursting out. The cackling madman turned to Naraku with a malicious glint in his eye, and said in a malevolent voice:

"Want to play a game called scratch hearts on the other person's flesh with a toothpick?" Naraku blinked and then realised what Fi Fi meant.

"…No, I don't think I want to… play that game…"

"Oh, okay then. Lets play Cluedo instead. OOO OOO OOO! I want to be Josie Jump!" Naraku shook his head.

"What is the world coming to these days, where those with thuggish appearances are called 'Fi Fi' and these people named 'Fi Fi' do not recognise the fact that Josie Jump is a Balamory character and was imprisoned here long ago… WOE IS ME!"

…and then the authoress got lazy and couldn't be bothered to do anymore on this chapter due to laziness, headache, multiple sclerosis and all other kinds of ailments.

Ah, I should also point out why I haven't updated… occupied with school, spending hellish times in Yorkshire, illness and most finally… I forgot? Eh heh heh heh…


	5. Authoresses and Imp Princesses

Once again, I greet you, most loyal readers, and send out many thanks for the reviewing, the supposed laughing, the possible showing to friends, and the odd sob as the heart warming romance between Sesshi and Narry-chan blossoms. OK so maybe not blossoming, but … I don't actually know what is going on, and its MY fanfic. OH DEAR GOD, I'VE GONE DELUSIONAL!

Friend: -.- and without futher ado…

Me: LET THE CHAPTER COMMEEEEEENCE!

Chapter 5, Authoresses and Imp Princesses.

The authoress groaned and rolled over on to her back on a beach in Japan, her vision doubled. An apparent army of seagulls was above her, seemingly watching and waiting for her to move so they could swoop in and kill her. One was flying a little below the others "OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO DIE, THE SEAGULLS ARE GOING TO KILL ME THEN THEY'LL FEAST ON MY ROTTING CARCASS AND--" her vision cleared. "Ooooh. The sharks didn't kill me! But… all my cookies are…" she reached inside of her coat pocket, "…peach? Why the hell are they peach? That's not right, I packed chocolate chip with a hint of vodka! …It must be my evil counterpart on the keyboard up there, damn you! Damn you to heeee--" The authoress turned around to find herself being stared at by some random demon. It looked at her for a bit more, and then spoke.

"You weird freak. You maybe tasty. I eat!" It sped towards her with its entire snake like speed.

"Nono, please don't eat me, please! You can't eat me, bad, no!" It reached its tail inside her coat pocket.

"Ooooh. Cookies!"

"No, you can't take the cookies, please! No! Anything but! I'll be your slave, I'll give you massages, I'll even lend you my ipod, just please **don't take the god damned** **COOKIES! **GAaAAaAA!" It drew back in surprise, uttering three words.

"What. The. Fuck? I'm still going to eat YOU though." It paused and spoke again; "The cookies aren't worth it if you get this touchy over them!"

"Too right, you stupid bastard, I mean for god's sake, why the hell are you green? Green isn't your colour, seriously. It mismatches the eyes. I'd recommend spray painting yourself a… florescent yellow?" she looked at the snake demon, pensive, "You should also get yourself a wife. That way you might not want to eat everybody." She ended her pensive thoughty stuff to realise that the snake thing was gone and her double vision had returned. Realising her hallucination was thus a hallucination, she randomly went to sleep.

Following that bizarre interlude, we return to Sesshi and co. who are 32 metres and 27 centimetres away from the authoress. They just don't realise it yet…

Sesshoumaru squinted in the bright sunlight and squealed energetically "YAY! BEACH!" His companions groaned, Sesshoumaru hadn't stopped singing since they left from that random place in the last chapter, and now he was just squealing. He was genuinely excited about meeting the authoress, though he was slightly concerned as to what state she would be in after being stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with killer sharks circling. "Um… Pixie dude, do you think the authoress is…OK?"

"Personally I hope the sharks ate her and then left the remains to the jelly fish so they could torment her from a safe distance. But judging by the nature of her self-centred will, that won't have happened" It replied before returning to its unpredictable jumpy self. Rin looked at it for a bit.

"Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we were 32 metres and 27 centimetres away from the authoress?" She inquired. "Hey, what's that mysterious shape 32 metres an--" the pixie covered her mouth and whispered in her ear.

"You don't really want to meet that evil bitch do you? I'm trying to procrastinate the meeting for as long as possible. And Sesshoumaru, why the hell are you staring at me that way?" In Sesshoumaru's mind, he saw a pixie covering a child's mouth, whispering seductively into her ear.

"…OMG, you're like, a child molester! YOU! BIATCH!" Sesshoumaru turned around and stormed off coincidentally in the direction of the authoress, about 30 metres away from his starting place, he stepped on a squidgy rock. A speaking squidgy rock.

"No, I don't have any pie, no! No! NUUUUUUU!" it screamed, its surprisingly human face seemed to be sleeping, but upon our gay warlord's intrusion of her personal space, she bolted upright, "DAMN YOU COMMUNIST BASTARDS, STEALING ALL MY--- Sesshoumaru!"

"How did you know my name, oh confused one?" He asked innocently. The authoress blinked, and saw the figures of Rin and her pixie slave running towards her. She blinked stupidly once more and realised that this could not be a hallucination, as Sesshoumaru's foot was somehow still on her head.

"…HUMAN LIFE! …well. The pixie doesn't count but… I'M SAVED!" the authoress squealed. Rin looked at her.

"She's the all powerful authoress, creator of" she tugged Sesshoumaru's skirt, "THIS abomination. And why are you wearing a skirt, Lord--Lady Sesshoumaru?" The pixie was first to speak up, as the authoress looked quite offended.

"Yeah, that's her. The mighty one." He tried to conceal his sarcastic tone. Hearing this, the authoress suddenly felt… a lot better, oblivious to the sarcasm.

"YEP! To protect the world from devastation, to unite all gay warlords within my nation, to proclaim the coolness of cookies and rum, I am teh authoress: Claud, blasting off at the speed of a snail, surrender now or I impale you on a nail." Meowth jumped up in front of her, but was pummelled back down before he could finish the speech; however, Sesshoumaru was clapping with delight.

"That's so cool! You like Pokemon, I like Pokemon, and so we can be friends! I like friends! I have a level 76 Jaken!" Claud glared at him.

"And I have a level 77 Pixie, so HA you stupid gay poof! And I DO NOT like Pokemon." Rin looked at Claud and walked up to her.

"Do you have any cookies?"

"I have three peach flavour soggy ones. Oh, and they're broken into lots of little pieces." She replied. "They still taste quite good. I think. But then again, I've never had a peach flavoured cookie. I've had all other flavours, save peach-" She looked at Rin, who was crying. "What's wrong, little girl?"

"PIXIE DUDE SAID YOU HAD CHOCOLATE WITH A TOUCH OF VODKA! IT'S NOT FAAAIIRRRRR!" she screamed, tears streaming down her screwed up face. Claud looked at the pixie with a malicious glint in her eyes.

"You did, pixie?" the one addressed nodded, "Then you shall pay the price for your actions. You shall walk around in lingerie and when you see a mushroom, you shall act all slutty and try to seduce the mushroom. The same applies for Naraku." The pixie looked at her, dumbstruck, and then inquired.

"Don't YOU want to seduce Nara--" It never did finish that sentence, for a sock was placed firmly in his mouth. Sesshoumaru giggled, and Rin just kept on crying, and it was this scene of chaos that I really can't be bothered to continue.

I shall now return the attention to Jaken, who has been sufficiently neglected for this chapter, and possibly the one before.

Flowers danced merrily around Jaken, seeming to form a tarantella to a merry little song "The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la la la la laaaaa!" At that moment, Jaken did not realise how sickeningly similar his torture was to Naraku's. However, at least he had objects of focus and an ice cream that the last prisoner had left lying around. The imp's fingers still burned from when he touched the flower mural and the stream of steam had emitted from his fingertips. Poor imp thing. To be quite honest, Jaken was rather enjoying the song that the flowers were singing for him, and after a few run-throughs, he stood up and joined the dancing flowers, singing along to his punishment.

"Tra la la la la laaaa! The flowers that bloom in the spring!" then suddenly and for no apparent reason, the flowers dissipated and the song ceased as the doors to Jaken's little chamber swung open. Bill and Ben the flowerpot men walked in wearing attire only suited to the devil himself. They cast their eyes upon Jaken and then cackled madly. The imp spoke up. "Have you come to get me out?" The innocence in his voice was clear, and the flowerpot men exchanged brief, ephemeral glances. The one named Bill replied.

"No, foolish worm, we were on a little tour of our hell complex when we saw your dancing abilities and decided that and YOU were to be chosen to represent all hell-goers in the 100th Hell Olympic Triathlon. Even though that has nothing to do with dancing whatsoever, but hey, it should be funny. For us." Then Ben spoke.

"Ooh, cold last line, dahling."

"You think so, eh?" Jaken stared at the two.

"Is anyone in this story not gay!" he shouted.

"Oh, we're not gay, dear. We're bi." Ben replied before walking out of the chamber with his 'dahling'. Jaken let out a long, dramatic "nooo" before, like many others, inexplicably falling asleep.

Naraku and Fi Fi's cell.

"So, do we get to eat here?" Naraku asked the thug dude randomly named Fi Fi., who was playing Cluedo with his imaginary friend, Bob. Fi Fi turned around and contemplated Naraku.

"You really are very stupid aren't you?" he asked.

"…err. Why?"

"Because I say so." Fi Fi then turned his attention back to his gripping game of Cluedo with Bob. A few song filled hours later, the Men in White Coats opened the door (which had been mysteriously fixed by Jaken look-alikes following Fi Fi's break out) and stepped in. One grabbed Naraku's arm and dragged him downstairs.

"Man in White Coat, can I ask why you are dragging me downstairs?" the Man stopped and turned around.

"You really are very stupid, aren't you?" he asked.

"Déjà vu? And why will no one answer my god damn questions!"

"Coz ur a bitch."

About 10 minutes later in the loony ward canteen in Hell.

Jaken sat alone at a table, observing the other freaks in the room, he had no idea why his circle had to share a canteen with the loony ward, but hey, at least he got to see his old grandma, deceased and truly mad. Unfortunately, she died again in her cell from a heart attack when Alfie rejected Kat in Eastenders.

The doors to the canteen once again swung open, and in stepped a Man in a White Coat dragging Naraku who looked rather pissed off. There was a brief moment of confusion when Jaken and Naraku actually noticed each other, but that was replaced with elation.

"Naraku, I never actually liked you, but it's great to see you!" the imp cried as Naraku was placed in a seat next to him by the Man.

"Even though Sesshi likes me and not you?"

"Even though. So, what are you doing in my circle?" the imp asked, oblivious to the fact that Naraku was actually a patient of the loony bin.

"Oh, Kikyou assaulted the staff in her circle 9 times so I called to get her arrested when she was placed in my torture chamber but the staff were all pissed coz James Blunt had just died so they took us both to the loony bin and I got placed with this thug dude who was a manic rapist dude called Fi Fi and he escaped and went down to Kikyou stabbed her with a plastic butter knife burned her with something random and crushed her into little tiny bits with a random mace that was in their cell." Naraku started gasping as he realised that he had said that all entirely without punctuation or grammar. Except for the full stop at the end but that doesn't count… does it? Oh and the speech marks but that's not important. Right?

Jaken stared at Naraku for a while after hearing that tale of woe and sheer weirdness and then threw a pineapple at the confused tyrant who was still recovering from his grammatically-incorrect-spree. "And I have to compete in the Hell Olympics Triathlon because the gay- I mean bi versions of Bill and Ben the flowerpot men willed it so."

"Well, uh, good luck on that." Naraku looked at the little imp and tried to imagine him competing in whatever sports were in the Hell Triathlon, however, all he could imagine was Fi Fi stabbing the poor thing with a Josie Jump action figure. "…Stupid fan fictions, screwing up my personality and mind…"

The main stream of their conversation changed into something completely different after that, for they were talking about swallows. A while passed, and soon, they were utterly engrossed in the subject when a voice sounded from next to them.

"Sum1s liek bn wotchin 2 much Monty Python…" The speaker was not of human form, but 'twas a lady imp. Jaken stared at her for a while, in that way rabid fan girls stare at bishie men, and then knocked a glass of red wine on to her pristine white gown. "…yo hav 2 pay 4 tat 1, bstrd." Declared the lady imp.

"Sorry, Miss Lady Imp…"

"Da name's Prncss Shnibshnibfwikwheeepongnyip. U cn cll meh Schinp." She paused and looked at Naraku. "Yo rele stupd aint ya."

"…I'm not going to say anything" replied the poor guy, who has been picked on for no apparent reason.

"Yo mama's so fat ppl run around her 4 exercise." Shnibshnibfwikwheeepongnyip said to Jaken, who's eyes narrowed.

"No one calls my mummy fat, not even impish princesses. DIE, BITCH!" and then the imp lady disappeared because she remembered she had to go and make casserole in the land of the happy little living. "Well. That was random." However, Naraku did not hear this, for he was bursting out into hysterics whilst reading a placard on the canteen wall, stating the three sports in the hell triathlon.  
"You are SO screwed." And then Jaken read the poster. His eyes widened, if that is even possible as he read the sports. "Shark poking… cliff leaping… and manga reading! What kind of sports are--" he read the rules of each sports.

**Shark Poking**

The competitor is expected to dive down to a depth of 50 metres with no aid from a SCUBA tank armed with a stick and poke as many Great White Sharks as possible within the hour given. All who cannot stay down at 50 metres for exactly an hour face the death penalty.

**Cliff Leaping**

The competitor must leap off the highest cliff he can without a parachute or a glide suit or anything like that, and survive. Off course, if you don't know how high you can survive, you're pretty screwed. If you jump from lower than 40 metres, you face the death penalty.

**Manga Reading**

You must sit there for 7 days reading the dreaded Crazy Frog manga without flinching or blinking. Or sleeping/eating/having a break/washing/excreting/doing anything that isn't reading the Crazy Frog manga. Those who don't do this face the death penalty.

Naraku burst out laughing, Jaken did a NUUUU, the authoress realised Inuyasha hadn't been in this chapter at all even though this is a fanfic based on HIS anime. The forgetful one also ate a pear then threw the core of it at Sesshoumaru.

Me: …well. That was strange.

Friends: you ARE strange.

Me: …anyways. Review or I shall… uh… DO A CHICKEN DANCE! YES! I shall do a chicken dance for you if you do not review! And believe me. That is NOT a pretty sight.

Friends: -runs away at the mere mention of a chicken dance-


	6. The Silliness Cutback

Greetings, I must inform you of a most… interesting… development. After a unanimous vote with all kinds of people (namely me) participating, the conclusion has been reached that there needs to be a cut-down in silliness and general insanity. I mean it. I really do. –turns blue- must… resist… silliness…

Friends: for god's sake, Claud! Why do you make us say this crap?

Me: -pulls out mace-

Friends: o.O uhh… andwithoutfurtheradoletthechaptercommence!

Chapter 6 and the Silliness Cutback.

Inuyasha walked along the road, lighting flashes overhead as his many companions followed dutifully, conversing about non-silly subjects. Rain was pouring down from above as they finally reached the beach after they read the fan fiction that they found in a very non silly place. There was an awkward silence for a bit broken by the mushrooms cackling on the sides of the road.

"Well. That was silly." Kagome piped up. Inu no taisho looked her way, realising that his name … well. It wasn't really a name.

"Uh, hey… guys." He began, "Seeing as I don't really have an official name, can you guys call me something really sexy, like Spike?" Sango stared at him for a bit, and then turned her attention back to the manic mushroom cackling a few yards behind their group. Kagome merely fiddled with her sock that she wasn't actually wearing and then Kagura looked at him and broke the eerie silence.

"Okay then, Spike…"

"Ow, SHIT!" Inuyasha cried as he stabbed his toe on another mushroom. He shook with rage before turning around and exclaimed to his bewildered companions, "That's it, I've had e-fucking-nough with all these god damn mushrooms, I say we kill them all then find Sesshoumaru, kill him, find Naraku, definitely kill him and find that guy who tried to rape me an--" he cut off when he realised his companions were a few metres ahead of him, and were once again conversing about stuff. "God damn it, come back here!" he then pursued them, stubbed his toe on another mushroom and went flying into a random vortex transporting he and his friends to the beach, as the Lazy One was once again Lazy.

"I want the cookies…" Rin started.

"But ya can't have the cookies, Rin! Focus on the cookies, and they shall come…" this was the main training that Rin was going through in the elder's attempts to shut her up. It took a while, but eventually she caught on to the whole 'calm' thing. However, the solitary peaceful moment was soon shattered as the random vortex opened and Inuyasha and his friends tumbled out, landing most awkwardly upon each other. Kanna somehow managed to land on Jaken, however, and Kagura on Sesshoumaru. The gay warlord gasped.

"EWW! This is all gay!" and he pushed Kagura off himself and then broke into a random chorus of 'I'm so pretty.' There was a brief moment of confusion as everyone realised who they were with, and the way they had landed on someone, or had been landed upon, but the confusion ended with a rather large wave washing over them. Inuyasha blinked stupidly, meanwhile Shippo tried to chat up Kanna. We shall take a brief moment to listen to their conversation.

"So, uh… you like candy?"

"…"

"I LOVE popcorn!"

"…"

"You too? Oh wow! We have so much in common, so… you want to go out on a … uh… date?"

"…"

"How meaningful, I think so, too!"

"…"

"…uhhh Kanna… put that mirror down… Please? You don't want to kill me, do you? Kanna…? Kan-ster? KAN---" and then his soul was sucked out. Turning the attention back to the main group of people…

"…Sesshoumaru! Tis I, your father! Come back from the grave for no apparent reason to save you from the evil clutches of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" Claud stuck a twig in his ear, before uttering.

"You know, I am still here…" and then everyone turned to stare at her. Kagome spoke first.

"You're shorter than I expected." They all glanced at a 6 foot Claud, then Inuyasha spoke.

"You look like a cubiody. Did I get that right, Kagome?"

"It's cuboid, dude, I mean, sheesh. Can't you remember ONE shape? I mean, that's pathetic, dude! YOU SUCK! … sssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…….. n."

"Sin? The Whale from Final Fantasy X?"

"…I dunno, I was wondering if there were any variations of sit. Oops." At this moment in time, Miroku was embarking on his… usual course of action, this time his victim was Claud, who stepped on his face and then hit him with a long, pointy stick. Sango was doing the usual 'a-thousand-evils-be-upon-ye-Miroku' face and Kagome was once again fiddling with her non existent sock. It was at this point when Kagura raised the question of why Claud looked like a cuboid.

"I dunno, its just she kinda has that weird… shapey-like-ness to her." Inuyasha replied before he realised that he was speaking into sand. "Ow." Kanna giggled as she realised how her name had been previously spelt before being corrected by the wonders of Microsoft Word's Spellchecker. At this, triumphant music started playing, as the rest of the odd group had no idea what in hell was going on, however, Kagome being the only one from the modern era, quickly caught on and allowed her eyes to glaze over in admiration for all those wonderful computer programmers. Spike, who had actually been paying attention to the fanfic decided to speak up.

"Is it just me or is this fanfic taking on the vein of an advertising story for Microsoft Word?"  
"No, no, I think it means…. More…" Miroku began, attempting to solve the mysterious cliché behind this obvious lack of plot. Hey, it's kinda like the actual Inuyasha! The one whose name makes up the show glared at Claud after reading the last few lines.

"What's that implying?"

"Only that your show is mainly devoid of all clever plots and is a compiled mass of anime clichés. But hey, we all need to love some crap at some point in our lives!" This shut Inuyasha up whilst he attempted to work out what a cliché actually was. Kagome did the same. Sesshoumaru who had been forgotten cleared his throat and pointed at a manic mushroom staring at the group. The pixie gasped as he realised his punishment from the last chapter. Claud glanced sideways at the pixie as it paled, and shot it a death glare: signalling for its redemption to begin.

Hell, God Knows What Circle We're At Now….

Jaken lay back and observed his surroundings, the Cool Athlete Place. The surfaces of everything was white, glass, metal or some form of cool material, and they glistened serenely in the lighting of the room. The imp glanced down at his own attire: pristine white sports robes. They'd even spray-painted him to make him match the perfect theme of the room, which the Resider diligently upheld as he sat in the control room making sure everything was perfect. However, he was on a toilet break, so a banana skin had mysteriously managed to creep on to a glass table and remain seemingly glued there, so that none of the athletes could pull it out. Of course, Naraku was sniggering in the corner, and thus the banana was deemed to be his evil deed. No one had any real idea why Naraku was there, but he did manage to sneak past security, an achievement in its own right, if a rather trivial one. A random athlete spoke up from his copy of the Daily Mail.

"Can someone please remove that banana skin? It's disrupting my concentration span. As is the lady in the corner." As Naraku was the only one remotely near a corner, he instantly took offence. It took him a while to work out quite how the comment was offensive, but he managed and stood up.

"I'm not a god damned woman! I'm a man, damn you!" The athlete observed Naraku, then said in a very traditional old-people-rant-voice,

"Well ah remember in the good ol' days when women were quite content with their sexual orientation and didn't have to go lying about what gender they were, why ah'm a man, and I'm proud of it, but if ah wanted to be a gal like you, it would beh hard. Just like its hard for yeh to be a man!" Naraku blinked.

"No, no, sir. I don't think you quite get it. I am in fact a man." he replied, unaware that he was backing further and further into the corner. The athlete continued in his vein of sheer disbelief for while as Jaken was ignored by all misfortunate enough to be there. The imp cleared his throat with a certain lack of authority and stood on a chair to make himself taller. Everyone which included Naraku, the random athlete, 3 other random athletes and a mushroom turned to stare at him.

"…I was just… uh… stating that… uh… I am in fact… here and uh… yeah." The imp declared.

"…your point being…?" the random athlete whom I shall name Bob inquired.

"And that I was being ignored….and…. uh… my name was the first word of this scene so… I…shouldn't be ignored?" However, no one was paying any attention to the imp for all had returned to their previous actions. Naraku and Bob were arguing, the mushroom was being a mushroom, and the other random athletes now christened Mary, Alice and Tom were … watching TV? In the feudal era? How does that work?

For a while, Naraku and Bob ceased arguing, instilling a deathly silence upon the room. It was at this moment that the Resider returned to his desk and instantly saw the banana skin. It gasped and let out a horrible screech that echoed throughout the minds of within a 10 mile radius. The people, imp and mushroom in the room screamed simultaneously in a vain attempt to drown out the horror of the noise being generated by the Resider. However, at the last minute, Naraku pulled 5 sets of 100 percent wool earmuffs, and handed them to the random people in the room. However, there were not enough earmuffs, so the mushroom and one athlete had to die. I think my maths is correct there. In fact, I shall have one of the characters check for me.

"… Naraku+Jaken+Bob+3athletes+mushroom 6 entities-mushroom/5 earmuffs." The Resider muttered over the intercom, for It had stopped screaming. "So that's… Earmuffs-Naraku 4, Earmuffs-imp3, Earmuffs-Bob2 and … Earmuffs-2 athletes0 Remainder athelete+mushroom. Yeah. That sounds right." …After proving to the world that Naraku+Jaken+Bob+3athletes+mushroom 6 entities+mushroom/5 earmuffs 0 remainder athlete+mushroom, we can now return to the fanfic.

The mushroom squeaked sorrowfully as it died, perhaps trying to tell someone to 'tell my wife and family: fare well, but I never did like you, it was all for the money.' And then it's body decomposed, forming the beginning of a little compost pile, visible against the pure colour of the floor. The other athlete whom did not receive an earmuff, however, was not so fortunate in his manner of death, for the mushroom had no ears, hence the effects were not as horrific as it was on the athlete named Sue. Her eardrums began to vibrate at double the normal speed, allowing the vibrations to travel to hear semi-circular canals, vibrating the fluid in them so much, that she fell to the floor as her balance was cancelled out. Then, her eardrums shattered, this chain of breakages continued along her nerves, shattering each one as they were encountered, mysteriously shattering everything in her body before the chain reached her brain. We don't really know why it took so long to reach her mind, but all we know it that it hurt one hell of a lot, as her pain nerves seemed immune to this shattering.

"I guess It saw the banana skin…" Bob muttered darkly.

"It? What is this It that you speak of?" Naraku inquired, after all had removed the earmuffs. Bob closed his eyes in that way that nearly all anime characters do when they're explaining something.

"It is the source of purity in this place, it upholds the rule of cleanliness as far as its kingdom extends to… Normally, one would place the banana in one of the many stylishly concealed bins, which would then sterilize the banana skin before is decomposition, and then, it would be used as part of the 'shiny' mixture used to clean this place. However, Naraku, you placed the banana skin upon the table, and thus evoked the wrath of It: The Resider whom Resides in the Place above us." Everyone shuddered and look scared like normal, "It will come for us all, Naraku, because you failed to put that banana skin in the bin, and we will **die **excruciatingly **awful _deaths._**" Naraku blinked stupidly.

"…wait a sec, I just realised: we're in hell. How do we die again?" Bob began to speak in his smart tone, before realising that he really had no idea. So instead he offered all the survivors a cup of tea as they awaited their death.

----- WOO! FIRST LINE OF 5TH PAGE ON MICROSOFT WORD! -----

The random beach place…

The Pixie stumbled as he stepped out from behind the rock, adorned in the latest brand of lingerie from Ann Summers. Hair extensions flowed down to his waist, curling elegantly, seemingly glinting in the soft sunlight which illuminated his features, making him appear most feminine. He stepped forward, his once stubby legs seemingly lengthened by the stockings, his normally coarse hair gracefully cascading behind him, trailing in the light breeze. A bright flash illuminated the surrounding area as Claud took a photograph commemorating the moment when her slave stepped out in lingerie, about to seduce a mushroom. The rest of the Inuyasha cast could not but be overjoyed by this beautiful transformation that had taken place before them, especially Miroku. He walked up to the pixie and kneeled down, clasping one of the bewildered sprite's hands.

"Will you bear my child?"

A slap sounded as the birds flew from the surrounding trees.

"…Maybe some other day, perhaps?"

Yet another slap forced the crabs to crawl out from beneath their rocks to the sea.

"…Not at all then." Miroku sighed before sitting on a rock next to Kagura, who was practising her dramatic speeches, ready for the moment when she would have to next face her creator.

"Naraku, I must speak to you of a grave matter, one concerning my future wellbeing… I believe, that the wind should be free… and I am the wind! I should be free! Free to go wherever my heart desires, free to soar among the clouds, yet you keep me from this paradise, so I once again pose the question to you, Naraku… May I have another cookie!" Inuyasha glared at Kagura.

"Isn't the last line somewhat irrelevant?"

"…No, that's the whole point of my angst. He doesn't feed me enough cookies. What did you think that I ACTUALLY thought I was the wind?" Everyone stared at her. Kagome nodded.

"…well, yeah, that is what you say practically every time you're onscreen."

"Is it? Oops." Kagura sighed. "I guess I am not complete without my beloved Sesshi… hence I cannot be content with my master…. Hey that kinda sounded like I'm his sex slave!" Rin sighed.

"So THAT'S what goes on in his castle when no one's looking." Claud twitched.

"It had better not or I'm going to slap him so hard the mark won't die down for WEEKS!" she stated energetically, standing on a rock. Kagura looked bewildered.

"NONO! I was joking, I didn't mean it!" Inu no taisho rolled his eyes.

"Sure you didn't Kagura, suuuuuuuure you didn't…" he said with a smug grin on his face. It was about a few seconds later when he was tackled to the floor by the irate wind sorceress. "Wait a second! The pixie is trying to flee!" Claud grinned maliciously.

"That can all be changed…" she began to glow, as her former powers as the authoress became clear. "MOVE-JUTSU! Wow, I watch too much Naruto…" and the mushroom disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared right in front of the pixie, who crashed into the vegetable. "Dramatic chord."

Me: Thus endeth the chapter, now remember people, r&r or face the power of ze CHICKEN DANCE! BWUA! –walks around chicken style-


End file.
